I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
