woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
