FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
