i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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