I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
