Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
