yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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