I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bring me that man meat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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