Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
