wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
