my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
