If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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