my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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