More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
