remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
