I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
