I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
