I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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