that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
