Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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