sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
