Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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