I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
A+ Viking dick
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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