omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
