I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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