My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize