Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
