I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
