pop tarts are not kleenex
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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