The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
even my farts smell like vagina
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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