Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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