I think my vagina is haunted
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
