I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
