Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
