mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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