i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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