I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
