You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
