After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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