I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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