i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
