quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
