There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
