dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
