So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
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I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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