Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
