I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize
