The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
