Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
