he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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