he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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