I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
