This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
