It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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