Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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