Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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